There are so many things I want to explain to my kids, to teach them so they are prepared for the world. To allow them to gain confidence, and have their own ability to grow and mature. To have them gain something from what I’ve learned. But there are also so many things I can’t share with them. The many ways in which I’m not doing the right thing, the ways I’m failing them and they don’t even know, and the ideal father which they are not getting. 

I’m not fully here all of the time, mentally

When I had my first kid, there were a lot of preconceptions about what I thought fatherhood was going to be like. I had this vision of sitting in a pile of Lego bricks, playing with my kids, everyone happy, and then eating pancakes. That was the literal vision of what I thought it would be like. Of course I was going to be wrong with that vision, but I was wrong in a way that I didn’t expect.

The part I didn’t expect was that I’d have a lot of moments where I didn’t want Legos and pancakes. There are times where I just want to be alone, and think about the days where I was able to do things by myself for a limitless amount of time, and not just for short periods before rushing back to some other kid activity. That is what surprised me. I have three great kids, and I sometimes want to get as far away from them as possible.

I think about this a lot. What would it have been like if I never had three kids? Am I a monster for even thinking that? I’ve tried to explain it to a few people this way: I would never undo my third kid, but I would also never recommend it! My feelings these days are that it’s just too much, and there’s a part of my soul that has really taken a hit. I have this unhealthy cycle of staying up way too late, because that is the only place I can escape to. Nothing productive happens, I just get alone time. Then I struggle with the everyday energy needed to be a happy dad. Where did I lose that edge, that desire to be on the floor with the kids playing? I still do those things, but not as much as I used to, and I always have a bit of hesitation.

I’ll never tell them how stressful and depressing being a dad can be

My kids ask me all sorts of questions. How did I get my job, what foods do I like, what sports did I play as a kid, etc. I try to be an honest open book, because that is almost always the best path forward. However, I’m never truly honest with them, because I completely avoid all topics related to what it’s like being a dad. 

I’m really stressed out. I think about money all of the time, and the lack of it. The cost of my university for 2021 was 57,000 per year. Even after student aid, the average is 35k. So at today’s price, I’m in the neighborhood of $420,000 for all three kids at a well known, but non-elite, non-ivy league, private university. Even with a quality in-state school, I’m still looking at hundreds of thousands of dollars. Of course, we all know that prices will go up a lot. My kids will start college in a little over 5 years, then 7, then 11. I don’t even want to think about how much things will cost then, and yet I do, every single day. 

I see them having fun at baseball games, or going to movies, or plowing through piles of snacks in the house, and all I think about is the cost. Their joy is my pain. I hate to say that, but it’s always on my mind. I don’t want them to have a totally vacant life, devoid of fun, but damn does it cost me a lot to keep up with them, their hobbies, and growing appetites.

So I hide all of my emotions. I don’t want to show them the bitter angry thoughts on the inside, and have them think differently of me. They probably get a glimpse, but definitely not the whole picture. It’s hard to admit that I don’t want my kids to know the real ‘me’, because they wouldn’t like that person very much. I suspect a lot of us go through this, but being right in the middle of it, I am having trouble seeing a way out.

I’ll never let them know how parents change after raising kids

There is a lot of work and compromise which goes into raising kids. We compromise what we do with our own free time, with how we think a kid should be raised, and even with each other. We also just change as people. I’ve told friends in the past, but honestly only after having a few beers and only with people who didn’t have close connections to my family: “Having a kid changes things. It’s like you’re doing a complete reset of your relationship. Sometimes that can be better, or sometimes that can be worse, because you have no idea what it’s like to have a kid until you actually have one!”

You just have no clue. I’ve always considered myself extremely easy going and care free. Now, I’m internally angry and stressed to the maximum. Stressed with the kids, stressed with the wife, stressed with my family obligations. How did I get here? The honest answer is kids. You have to go through so much, provide so much, give so much, that in some cases you land in a spot like me. Stress from every angle, but on the surface the kids are having a good time. 

A glimmer of hope, maybe

Wow, this is a depressing read. Like I said in my first post, I need to vent these things out, not necessarily solve anyone’s problems. Are you stressed? Ok, so am I, we’re both not in it alone. We also both know that while we’re super stressed and don’t know what the future holds, we’ll look back knowing we made the right choice. I can’t think of anything better than seeing one of my kids develop a new skill, or do things right now that I haven’t even learned to do yet. It’s amazing, and I want to see the rest of their development. 

I sure wish there was a way to get through it without all of this stress though. Maybe that is more on me, and some work I need to do on myself to handle it. Not sure. The point is this: you can be extremely stressed out and angry about life with kids and yet be amazed and appreciative of them at the same time. It’s the yin and yang (opposite but connected forces) of parenting. I’m sure I’m not the only one who hides the depressive side of this all. Find a healthy way to vent it, force yourself back out there with the kids, and you’ll thank yourself later on.